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Oct 15

Apology not accepted

dreams.jpg

(Above, prewar Philippines Free Press editorial cartoon)

Today is Blog Action Day, with the theme of Poverty.

I am republishing an article I wrote in two parts, the first when I was still in college, the second, a decade later upon rediscovering what I’d written a decade earlier…

Apology not accepted

YOU were standing by the jeepney stop in front of the Faculty  Center. How you got there, I don’t know. It was early afternoon.

The weather was pleasant. I was in one of my endless sophomore years. You had on one of those simple dresses of 1940s cut, which the modest of means never gave up wearing long after the originals which had arrived during  Liberation had out served their usefulness. I think your dress was  a pale yellow; I know it was scrupulously clean, and I wondered  whether you used Superwheel or Tide, or Perla and starch.

Funny. It was a pleasant afternoon but you had one of those little  collapsible umbrellas, the most inexpensive kind, made of the  thinnest nylon the manufacturers could inflict on their consumers.

A slight breeze lifted a wisp of your white hair, which you patted  back in place. You had a half-smile -did I imagine the twinkle in  your eyes, perhaps? You looked like a woman with a sunny  disposition. Perhaps it was just the softening effects of age.

When you were young, your family and friends probably told you  that they found you pretty, because of your fair complexion. Did  you marry? Were you courted, in school? And what did you do over the years, I wonder. What sort of jobs did you hold?

Students hurried past you; occasionally  particularly indiscreet  passers-by stared at you, but you just stood there, looking  around. You must have been used to being stared at, because of  your skin. I have never managed to find out what your skin  disease is called -if can be properly called a disease; maybe  medicine has a more exact term for what you had. I’ve seen  pictures of people -all elderly, if I recall correctly- with the same  affliction. Little globules  (of what? solid flesh? skin with something underneath?) covering every inch of the body.

Globules in the shape of lumps, others in the shape of small nuts which seem to have sprouted on the skin, ready to fall off. Growths whose composition I have always wondered about -growths which reduced you to a mass of protrusions and made  you a sight for the idle to gawk at.

Disconcerting, how your affliction managed to shock without  provoking disgust. Or maybe i’m wrong. In remembering the day  I saw you I might be retroactively censoring my real feelings. Yes,  I was disturbed. How can you live with such a disease, with such  disfigurement, made all the more startling because no one can  fathom its origin. You have no scars. You’re missing no limbs,  you have nothing that can be attributed to the effects of a birth  defect or some tragic experience. Although of course having your  body covered in strange lumps and bumps must constitute a tragic experience in itself.

From the little I know -mainly from the testimony of an old man in  a news article I clipped and since lost- you were not born “that  way” (what a phrase!). What provoked the growths? The  depredations of age gone more completely awry than usual?

Then you went up to me.

“Can you spare some money,” you asked, gently.

Flustered, I said no.

You smiled. And said. “I’m sorry.”

I said, “it’s ok.” And then I walked away.

The feeling one has when one’s soul wants to vomit: why did you  say sorry to me? You should have said, “apology not accepted”.

***

YUKIO Mishima once wrote, “I came out on the stage to make an audience weep and instead  they burst out laughing”.

Since you apologized over my apology, I have encountered many who remind me of you, though none exactly like you. Just the other week, and what has it been -a decade?- since we briefly met, I saw a man with no legs, sitting on the sidewalk by the wall of Camp Crame leading to the LRT, holding a plastic cup.

He was looking up at another man, dressed neatly in a kind of dutifully-washed-and mended polo shirt. The man was engaging him in conversation. Was the man a writer, perhaps, or simply someone on his way to work, engaging the man with no legs in conversation?

People rushed past. They gave the two troubled looks. What is more disturbing: to see a man with no legs begging on the pavement, or a countryman pausing to converse with him, man to man?

I saw that scene only briefly. We only see such scenes briefly, if at all. Just the other day, there was the scene, awful, and heart-breaking if only we weren’t so used to it. The parade, my writer’s mind tells me to call it, of the dispossessed. In front of St. Paul’s College, Quezon City, there is, day in and out, a man in his early fifties, piteously deformed; almost, it seems, a Thalidomide baby condemned to advanced years. He has become such a fixture that surely every person passing him by day to day has come to memorize his every twitch, his slack-jawed fatalism. On some days, a sign hands around his neck. Over the holidays it said, “Merry Christmas, God Bless you.” I gave him coins once. He tried to say thank you. Part of me was glad he was incapable of mouthing the words.

But of that parade, and they come in every shape, age, sex, and size -there is the blind old lady, with white hair, clothes of charitable origin, whose gaping eye sockets mercifully cannot see what her seeing-eye guide, probably a granddaughter, sees minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. The knock; the look of muted pleading; the counter-knock from the impatient, saying, “your petition is dismissed”; the shuffle on to the next vehicle.

Yesterday there was a man. He was missing a hand. He did the ritualized shuffle, too. Knock, plead, suffer rejection, shuffle on to the next, repeat. Around him and ahead of him swarmed children doing the same thing. One child was particularly passive; she knocked on one window, was rejected, sat on the sidewalk and sulked. Some others made it a game. One little girl got no coins, though a motorist handed her some crackers. She smiled the smile of a Pacquiao.

That man, though. One motorist was particularly curt. The man reacted with a look of rage. I have seen that look of rage more often now, than ever before. I never used to see it. He was not even given an apology. But as for his condition, he could at least express his hate.

circa 1994 and 2004. It is 2008, and they are still there, in front of St. Paul’s.

121 comments

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  1. leytenian

    Though Gadhafi asserted that fundraising from Arab and African nations were “legitimate,” the fact is that U.S. federal law bans any foreigner from donating to a U.S. election campaign.

    So it seems Obama’s brother Muslim’s and terrorist are making a concerted effort to get him into the Whitehouse. Why else would he refuse to show his money sources?

    http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977464156

  2. leytenian

    obama is all about himself.. he should listen to arnold Schwarzenegger. no bull no bias.

  3. UP n grad

    Manny Villar for 2010 president!!! :mrgreen:

    Second choice is a toss-up between Mar Roxas and Erap (who was more “forceful” with the MILF but then got convicted — Oooops!!! :oops: — and thrown in jail).

  4. leytenian

    “I have not seen the media portray this illegal campaign donations one bit and it is because they are all rooting for Obama. The unfortunate thing is that this is such a disservice to the people of the United States. We deserve to hear about all of these things and because of the biased opinions, Obama is getting away with too much. If you think that a man who can’t even raise campaign money legally, what makes you think he can run this country?

  5. leytenian

    for many villar, he is real estate developer.obviously, majority of his target market are the OFW’s. wondering why he is into protecting our OFW? sounds like a strategy for those who cannot comprehend conflict of interest. NO, I don’t like Manny anymore. OFW should open businesses to employ our people. Real estate is not a good investment. why buy a condo or a big house if appreciation is lower than inflation. if I were for Manny, he should encourage entrepreneurship. watch out with this guy. who else is running? this might be the time for me to start my blogsite to attack ? heheheh

  6. hvrds

    Can someone from the lunatic fringe of the Republican party get an invitation for Big Mike and GMA for the scheduled G-20 meeting with Bush in Washington on November 15 for an emergency summit?

    GMA and the Philippines are not included and she is a world recognized uber economist expert according to her people. Maybe some of the lunatic fringe Pinoys who are Republican die hards could somehow talk to W.

    Why is that other Asian country invited and we are not? Indonesia is a Muslim country and how come they get to go! I repeat the word Muslim…. Isumbong ninyo kay Sarah.

    “The countries invited are drawn from the so-called G-20, a forum of rich and emerging nations that was convened in 1999 after the Asian economic crisis. Its members are: Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Canada, China, France, Germany, India, Indonesia, Italy, Japan, South Korea, Mexico, Russia, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, Turkey, Britain, the United States and the European Union.”

  7. leytenian

    hvrds,
    it is not confirmed yet of who would be the attendees. Philippines is a member. This might be a summit that requires participation not by invitation. which news link did you get your information?

  8. grd

    mar roxas or villar for me.

  9. grd

    alangan naman aatend ng walang invitation.

    kaya nga G-20 eh… if kasama pilipinas di G-21 na yun. :)

  10. Payls

    why we should accept his studpi apology..?

  11. leytenian

    grd,

    there’s also a G20 fof developing nations of which Philippines is a member.
    It’s probably the G20 summit for industrial Nations on Nov 15 that hvrds was talking.

  12. leytenian

    to answer HVRDS of why Philippines is not invited:

    it is now confirmed that the G20 summit is only for industrial countries..Philippines cannot participate nor will be invited. It belongs to developing countries. bakit?

  13. rego

    Does GOP ad presume Obama victory?

    http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/23/obama.check/index.html

  14. rego

    Has McCain run an “honorable” campaign?

    http://caffertyfile.blogs.cnn.com/2008/10/23/has-mccain%E2%80%99s-run-an-%E2%80%9Chonorable%E2%80%9D-campaign/

  15. rego

    “I have not seen the media portray this illegal campaign donations one bit and it is because they are all rooting for Obama.

    ———————————————————————-

    Maybe the media doesn’t want to cover garbage and pile and pile of dirt. There is enough muck coming from Mc Cain and Palins press release already.

  16. leytenian

    “Whatever else it is, this election is a referendum on two very different visions of America. Obama’s vision is of country crippled by sin; McCain and Palin’s vision is of a country fired by high ideals and expansive opportunity.

    “You’re beautiful, I love you, now change.” That is Team Obama’s message.

    “You’re beautiful, I love you as you are”: that is the message of McCain and Sarah Palin.

    It’s the difference between the utopian–who finds himself disgusted with every real-world polity, and who finds himself willing, indeed, eager, to sacrifice real people for the sake of the ideal ones he wishes to create–and the simple patriot who says Yes to the family, community, and country in which he finds himself.”

    I am more like the Joe plummer who is fired by high ideals and expansive opportunity, please don’t tax me. :)

  17. hvrds

    “I am more like the Joe plummer who is fired by high ideals and expansive opportunity, please don’t tax me” ??????pundit

    Instead of trying to pontificate on seemingly profound rhetoric’s it might be more beneficial to spend the time searching for ones G-Spot or exercising ones sphincter muscle with a pocket rocket.

  18. leytenian

    hvrds,

    hahaha, why are you so kinky? bastos mo talaga. sige na nga. hahanapin ko pa. :)

    you are too funny. :)

  19. rego

    “I am more like the Joe plummer who is fired by high ideals and expansive opportunity, please don’t tax me. “-Leytenean

    Unfortunately, analysis showed that Joe teh Plumber is better off with Obama than MC Cains policy.

  20. rego

    hvrds,hahaha, why are you so kinky? bastos mo talaga. sige na nga. hahanapin ko pa.
    you are too funny.” – Leytenean .

    Hmmm , its becoming a trend, any issues you can not bear to counter, your automatic response is ” your funny”. Could be the reason why you are not taken seriously in this blog. Para sa yo lahat ay patawa lang..

    C’mon if nothing is coming out from your brain just pause and stop for while….

  21. leytenian

    Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
    ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said Obama. ‘How about What Changes I Should Make To America?’ and he smiles.
    ‘OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass – . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
    Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’
    To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know $H!T ?

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