This was supposed to be my column for today.
Barangay Bansot’s Silent Majority
KAPITAN Calabasa was late, and so, he missed most of the fun. But he got to hear Madam’s thank you remarks.
“Thank you, Eminensh, Your Exshelenshiesh. Thank you fathersh and shishtersh. Here are your love offeringsh, let ush continue to do the Good Lordsh, I mean, my hushband’s, my childrensh, and my, work. We are the Holy Family. God put ush here.
“Thank you, congreshmen. Thank you, governorsh. Thank you, mayorsh. Thank you, kagawadsh. Here ish your fork barrel flush an attendanshe bonush, and yesh, your frojektsh are shafe.
“Thank you, columnishtsh, for your dedicashion to our truth: don’t worry, your hushband will remain in charge of our penshionsh, and you, your board sheat in our bank ish shafe. Oh, and ash for you, shorry, no more readersh shince you moved to our crony fafer but I appreshiate your effortsh anyway, but shtof throwing water in feofle’s fashes, ha? To all of you othersh, fretending to be objective, your veshted intereshts are one with mine!
“Thank you clashmatesh, I don’t regret giving you jobsh in my adminishtrashion.
“Thank you generalsh, thank you bushineshmen, we will all froshfer together. I shay to all of you… We will not be dishtracted by the folitical noishe!”
When everyone was through falling to the floor to demonstrate awe and delight, the hard-working Madam tackled other business.
“And now, we need to work on our meshaging. Shecretary Fabili?”
“Dukutin ang pang matrikula, ituloy ang aming ligaya!”
“I don’t like. Too honesht. Shecretary Calburo?”
“Sa laki ng matrikula, turo ninyo pamumulitika!”
“Good. Plashter along the shcoolsh that hate me. Shec. Madaya, you can charge it to the nutrishion frogram. Nexsht?”
“Itrabaho natin ang panggugulo!”
“No. Shec. Hormiga?”
“Trabaho hindi gulo!”
“Good (give my regardsh to Mala Bihon). Theshe will be the shlogansh of Kashabwit sha Kalokohan. Charge their adsh to the Dishinformashion Agenshy. Nexsht?”
“Patabain natin ang mga pulitiko!”
“Hay nacu. Shec. Nalito? Imfrove, pleashe?”
“Pagkain hindi politika!”
“Clever. Slogansh for Kongresho ng Mambububulong Filipino. Charge the adsh to Metro Gago. Nexsht?”
“Ikuryente ang media, lokohin natin para sa presidente!”
“Too blunt. Shec. Bungi?”
“Ibaba ang kuryente, hindi ang presidente!”
“Good. Slogansh for Fartylisht Kakuntshaba. Charge to Frovidentshal Bashtushang Fambanshang Liaishon Offishe. Nexsht. Our latesht innovashionsh in fromoting the Rule of Lawleshnesh? Shec. Shiraulo?”
“Madam, since we are fighting the Truth, we decided that even if we have to sacrifice Executive Ordure 464 and Mambobola Circular 108, we simply issue new rules accomplishing the same thing.”
“Ish Monkey Gotme drafting them?”
“Your Eminenshe? Queshtion?”
“Aren’t we insulting the intelligence of our flock in Barangay Bansot?”
“Wait, my shon will anshwer that.”
“You ha. Wait ha. We’re not bastos, ha. Shut up ha? I don’t care what you say, ha? You’re giving daddypoo high blood pressure, ha. Just obey-obey us! We give you na nga eh why are you so demanding pa, ha?”
“But the desert, our sea, the Israelites…”
“Ah. Desshert? Meaty Forflavor will get for you, Eminenshe. Chocolate or vanilla? Anyway. Yesh, Mr. Juramentado?”
“Santa Palanggana! Madam, there are destabilizers from… from… all your alma maters! In Putakti City! Evil, awful… what do you call them, oh, students!”
“We are shafe here in Campo Carne. Yesh, Mareng Meanie? Thank you, by the way, for shuforting me, but (he-he) get real. My darling hushband ish staying.”
“Oh. But. Madam, the young people, their requests?”
” I hereby decree, a No Hover Zshone in Futakti Shity. Becaushe if you don’t shee them, they don’t exshisht. Shimfle! Yesh, Father Imbyernash?”
“But… reform… strengthening… institutions? Help?”
“Tell them to take it uf with my shonsh. They are the youth, too. They are the pillarsh of the inshtitushionsh we’re building.”
“Mommy, only if they’re pretty, ha? I don’t like talking to the pangit-pangit, ha? Or the brainy ones, ha? They can make a date with me in my restaurant, plenty-plenty food there.”
“OK you heard him. Go away. Yesh, Mishish Faidroshash?”
“I bloody support you, eh wot!”
“Cheaf, you shound like your daughter. But I already shaid, thank you columnishtsh.”
“Yesh, Shfeaker Jar-Jar?”
“Waza boutda peepol? They issa hates youse!”
“Sho? We have the Shilent Majority shuforting ush! The besht! They don’t need to be bribed, they don’t vote, becaushe they don’t exisht! Ferfect! More for all of ush! Anymore queshtionsh? None? Dishmished!”